I have forced myself to sit here momentarily as my baby sleeps soundly in her bassinet. Yesterday was exhaustive for her. Mama had two appointments, so she had to be out with me most of the day traveling to and from, and with very long waits. For whatever reason, she couldn’t sleep. I glanced back many times to check on her in the rearview mirror. I found her with eyes wide open, watching the sunlight streams change from her little seat.

At seven weeks old, she should still sleep most of the day, but not this girl. She doesn’t want to miss out on this new world around her! Awake, all day, it seemed! On the way to my first late morning appointment, she might have fallen asleep for 15 minutes. Then she got another 5-minute nap in my arms (she wouldn’t relax unless I held her due to being so tired already.) I got home with enough time to feed her and another 15-minute nap before I had to put her back in the car seat to head to the chiropractor. She was wide awake there but happy and cooing occasionally. Dr. B even tickled her little toes as she looked around while I got adjusted.

All that said, I woke up with a mild startle to my husband’s alarm. What? She hasn’t woken up yet!? I thought to myself, shaking my tingling right arm out. I remembered stirring when I heard her earlier, but she didn’t stay awake or cry out for food to arouse me then, and I must’ve fallen back asleep. I said as much to my husband, and he sweetly asked, “Is she okay?” So I relayed that she had, in fact, made sleep noises (mostly sighing or stretching), but I got up to check on her anyway. I gently placed my hand on her belly and flipped over our dim nightlight to evaluate. She was sound asleep, content, and safe in her bassinet.

Since I was up, I decided to use the bathroom. My husband had snoozed his alarm. As it went off the second time, I was sure she would be stirring more. Walking back into the bedroom, I hugged and kissed him to see him off to work before turning my attention to her again. Sound asleep still. I thought I might go back to bed, but for the first time in months I had slept through the night without really waking more than to reposition. I was alert and found myself energized.

She made more noises from the light and the sound of us moving around as I contemplated crawling back into bed. I decided to warm a bottle to feed her if she was too tired to latch and breastfeed effectively. (She also usually needs a bottle from low supply anyway.) I knew she would be starving from going 8-9 hours since her last meal, and the bottle would take a few minutes to warm from the fridge.

She was beginning to stretch more but hadn’t opened her eyes yet, fighting to stay asleep despite her hunger. I unswaddled and pulled her to bed with me so we could feed comfortably. She did latch, but I could tell she wasn’t eating well from me due to sleepiness (part of my supply issues). After about 45 minutes, she was fed and stretched, eyes closed again. I held her as she fell back asleep on my lap, knowing she would need at least 1-2 more hours before she would be ready to “get up” and want to eat again. I swaddled her, placed her back in her bassinet, and quietly crept from the room to pump.

I glanced around my kitchen. Dishes in the sink, bottles drying on the rack, dishes from the day before needing to be put away, a spot of spilled milk on the counter, crumbs on the floor, jars from canning on the table with a crock pot bae waiting for its pot, books & computer from my real estate class, the couch pillows thrown about from the day before with my layers of clothing and blankets draped along the back haphazardly… I took to feeding our dog, Bella, and filling her water fountain for the day first. I bent down to scratch the cat’s head and asked if he wanted to go outside (he did. He always does.)

When I reached into the fridge to put my pump on, I grabbed a lactation breakfast ball, knowing this might be the only opportunity I would give myself to eat that morning. As I munched on that, I quickly thought about all the tasks I could check off the list from my morning survey. I can’t stand to hear her cry. I often neglect my own needs to make her feel safe and loved.

If it wasn’t for my husband taking over parenting so I could get a shower each night, I’d probably smell quite horrible by now. I have just over a month left before I return to work, and I want to make the most of it with her. I was excited to get everything cleaned up before she needed my attention for the day. So, I sat down to finally label the applesauce jars I had canned a few weeks before as a start.

Wait. When was the last time you stretched? Had unrushed time to brush your teeth and put on deodorant? Sat and breathed for a minute? Oh. I had been PLANNING to neglect my basic needs while my baby slept. What’s more, I STARTED doing tasks before I took care of myself. When I walked into the bathroom to do two of those things, I was still thinking about washing dishes!

I looked in the mirror and took stock of my frizzy hair. Reaching into the drawer to grab my curl gel to smooth them out, I realized how tense my neck felt from holding her. I took a deep breath, released it, rolled my neck, and took more time to brush my teeth and smile in the mirror.

Walking back into the living room, I grabbed my giant water jug, still not emptied from the day before. I drank several big gulps of water. Then I finished putting away applesauce jars. While doing that, I reflected on my lack of self-care since becoming a mother and wondered how many other women were just like me.

All this to tell myself (and you!) to take a few moments to take care of myself as she sleeps. Without my needs being met, I can’t take care of hers effectively anyway.

Be well, fellow mama.